Labels and Sexual Orientation

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a potential aesthetic attraction, romantic love and/or sexual desire for anybody, including people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female implied by bisexual attraction.

The more I meet amazing gender non-binary people and understand more about the gender spectrum (I knew almost nothing about non-binary genders a year ago), the more I realize how little gender affects who I like to be around and who I could potentially fall in love with. Until recently I identified as bisexual because that’s what I felt best described my attractions, but now I think pansexual is more accurate. It’s interesting seeing how my understanding of myself has deepened and changed over the years; for most of my life I thought I was straight, then I was very tentatively bi-curious, then last year I came out officially as bi. Now I’ve been out as bi for almost a year, and I’m realizing it’s no longer the best fitting label.

I love finding out new things about myself. But coming to terms with changing my label yet again took me a little while. When my beliefs officially changed a few years ago, so many major labels changed for me in a seemingly short period of time- Christian to atheist, conservative to mostly liberal (in American politics), Pro Life to Pro Choice, Pro-Traditional Marriage to Pro-LGBTQ rights… People were confused and angry and hurt because I wasn’t the same person to them anymore. Labels meant everything to many of them, and they saw me as having changed “sides” in a culture war instead of simply growing and maturing as an adult. And since I hadn’t felt comfortable confiding these emerging changes to most people because I knew they’d react negatively, all they saw was the end result and not the process.

I was accused of being easily changeable and flighty, even though I had put much thought and time into every one of those changes. I’m not actually easily changeable at all; I’m just open to changing things as my knowledge and experience show me better ways to think or act or identify. But I think that negative association with changing labels stuck with me, and the idea of making yet another change made me hesitant to acknowledge it.

Plus, I’ve gone through SO many changes these past few years I was like “Really?! Another one already? Seriously, this self-growth stuff is exhausting…”

But as with all these many other changes, my curiosity and desire to be the best and most authentic version of myself made it impossible for me to ignore my changing mindset for long. So I’m making it official- I’m pan, not bi. And I’m feeling good about it.

But man, now I have to once again update my bio on my blog and on fet and on Facebook and Pinterest and likely several others too… Meh I’ll get to them all eventually. lol

Facts and Myths about Bisexuality

bisexual_typography_by_lentertament-d5hpf51In my last blog post, I officially came out as bisexual. Over the past couple months, I have been doing a lot of research on bisexuality because I’ve had suspicions that I might be bi. But I had a lot of societal misconceptions in my head, so I had to do some research before I felt comfortable identifying as bisexual. I wasn’t sure if that’s who I was, because I didn’t even really know what it was to begin with! So here are some things I’ve learned about being bisexual.

This video also explains bisexuality very well! I’d strongly advise checking it out.


  1. You do not have to have sex with or even make out with someone to know if you’re bisexual, or any orientation really. Did you have to have sex to know you were straight? Sexual orientation is about attractions, sexual activity is separate. A nun still has a sexual orientation even if she stays a virgin forever, she just doesn’t act on it. As of the time this article was written, I haven’t dated any women yet- I’ve just finally realized that I’m attracted to them.
  1. Bisexuals are not attracted to everyone. When you walk down the street, are you automatically attracted to every person of the opposite gender that you see? Do you want to date every single opposite-gender friend or co-worker? Of course not- sexual attraction goes far beyond just genitalia! Just because I am friends with a girl or a guy does not mean I want to date them or that I want to imagine them naked. There’s no need to feel weird around me, just treat me like any of your other friends of either gender and we’ll get along just fine.
  1. Bisexuals are often accused of being more unfaithful, promiscuous, or more into threesomes. This is not true. Those traits are completely separate from your sexual orientation- straight people and gay people can also be unfaithful, have a lot of sex, or love threesomes. Do not confuse sexual orientation with a person’s moral character, the amount of sex they have, or the kind of sex they like.
  1. Bisexuals are NOT confused. While there are many people who do experiment for a time to discover what their sexual orientation is, this is different than being bisexual. I’ve tried a lot of different kinds of foods, but I’m not going to love everything I taste. Experimenting to find out what your orientation might be is not the same as being bisexual.
  1. Bisexuals are not greedy. Are you greedy for liking blondes and brunettes? For liking tall and short people? Of course not. That would be foolish to imply. (People really do say this stuff!)
  1. Bisexuals get more dates. Sure, we can date both guys and girls, but many people harbor judgmental attitudes about bisexuals so that sometimes shrinks our dating pool. We do have a more diverse range of potential dates in regards to gender, but we also have to deal with a helluva lot more misconceptions and judgements too.
  1. Bisexuals DO EXIST. I can’t tell you how many people actually don’t believe bisexuals exist. Some say that bi people are really gays that haven’t fully come out yet. Others think they are doing it for attention and actually only like one or the other. Still others think it’s a phase and they’ll “make up their mind” eventually. Nope! Being bisexual is a real orientation, and it’s not your place to tell me who I’m attracted to and who I’m not. You’re not in my head. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
  1. Bisexuals don’t turn straight or gay when they enter a monogamous relationship. Do you stop being attracted to girls with blonde hair just because you marry a brunette? Of course not- you just don’t act on those attractions because you’re in a relationship! If you like black people and white people and you date a black person, do your attractions for white people disappear? No, you’re just not acting on them because you’ve committed to your partner. It’s no different with gender.

tumblr_n1f0ejVsei1rbidupo3_1280Now for the purpose of this blog and my own personal preferences, I’ve been referring to guys and girls. Gender is actually not binary, it’s more of a spectrum, and many people fall more into the middle of the spectrum. Pansexuals are attracted to people across all parts of the spectrum- all genders and sexes. For myself personally, I tend to be more attracted to people who fall on the opposite ends of the gender spectrum, which is why I identify as bisexual as opposed to pansexual (although pansexual could potentially identify me as well, I just feel like bisexual describes me best at this point. I wouldn’t rule out being attracted to a transgender person, etc.) This video explains the difference between pansexuality and bisexuality:

As with any label that we use to identify ourselves, it’s just a word- we are not limited to these labels, WE define our labels, our labels do not define us; it’s just the words we use to describe ourselves. If you realize that your current label no longer fits you and you find another one that fits you better, it’s ok to use that one. If you don’t identify with any label (and yes there are people like this) that’s ok too.

I am Officially Coming Out as Bisexual

bisexual_by_devilslittlesisterNo, I am not a lesbian. And no, I no longer identify as straight. I am bisexual- and here is what that means.
You probably find yourself attracted to people with dark hair as well as people with light hair. You may also be attracted to tall people and short people, and maybe black people and Asian people as well as white people. And no one thinks that’s weird because we, as humans, are capable of being attracted to more than one kind of person. For bisexuals (and pansexuals and a few more orientations, see my next blog post for more on that), gender is just another factor like skin color or height.

I’ve suspected I might be bi for a little while now, although up until recently I was very unsure about it and it was little more than a suspicion that I mulled over from time to time. Over these past two months I’ve been doing a lot of research into what bisexuality is, and I finally realized that it’s a label that fits who I am.

Why am I being so open about my sexual orientation? Why the public “coming out”? Because it was other people who were “out” and proud that helped me realize who I really am. They gave me the courage to stop ignoring the questions inside of me, to be open about who I am. I want to do the same for other people who might feel bad about themselves for who they are attracted too. (Also, unless you “look gay”, people generally assume that you’re straight. That’s rather irritating, as though being straight is the default setting for everyone. It’s not.)
So why did it take me until my mid-twenties to finally realize I’m bisexual? Here are a few reasons:
1. I was raised with homophobia.
While nowhere near as bad as Westboro, I still grew up around blatant and damaging homophobia. Everyone in my immediate circles was fundamentalist and anti-gay. Homosexuality was decried as unnatural, a sin, a “choice” that you were not supposed to make under any circumstances. I remember going with other Christians to political gatherings as a young child to oppose same sex marriage when it was being voted on in Vermont.

My Christian circles taught me in no uncertain terms that being attracted to someone of the same gender was NOT OK. And not only was it not ok, but it was one of the worst things you could possibly do.

The contradictory message I grew up with was this: We love you and do not judge you. However, if you do not think or act like us, then you are less of a person (ie a sinner, unnatural, deceived by the devil, abomination).
There is no kind or healthy way to tell someone that their sexual attractions are unnatural, sinful, and somehow wrong. It’s still VERY DAMAGING and hurtful, no matter how much “grace” and “love” you try to mix in. No matter how much sugar and spice you add to a bowl of dog poop, it’s still repulsive and unfit to eat at the end of the day because the main ingredient is so crappy (pun intended).
Do you think black people felt better when racist people in the 60’s said things like “We still love you and don’t judge you, we just think your relationship with that white girl is morally wrong and should be illegal.” And what about this one? “We love you- but marrying someone with different colored skin is just unnatural! Why are you CHOOSING to love a person of a different race when it’s so wrong?”
Growing up with messages like these, is it really surprising that it would take me a while to recognize my own sexual orientation and feel comfortable even admitting it to myself? Many people never even get this far because these hurtful messages are so deeply ingrained within themselves that they are never able to overcome them. Fundamentalism causes so much unnecessary shame, guilt, and social pressure to conform to one group’s narrow minded ideas- hence why I speak out against it so much. It’s directly affected me and my ability to grow as a healthy individual.

2. I was good at hiding from myself.
For much of my life I was good at hiding from myself. I didn’t do a whole lot of critical thinking back in the day, I just believed what I was taught because I trusted the people who were teaching me to show me reality and truth. When questions about my beliefs or sexuality came up, I was able to emotionally and mentally bury them before I even acknowledged that they existed at all. Questioning the church’s teachings was bad, so I did what I thought was the spiritual thing and didn’t question anything. Hence it took me into adulthood to question my both religious beliefs and my sexuality.

3. I still had options for attraction before I came to grips with my bisexuality.
I like girls AND boys. Therefore, unlike people who only identify as gay and are not attracted to the opposite gender at all, I wasn’t forced to completely deny myself the joys of being attracted to other people. It wasn’t that I was making a “choice” to only like guys, it’s that one half of my sexual orientation was being repressed. Since I was also strongly attracted to men, it was easier for me to not realize that this part of me even existed.
If you were raised to believe that dating black people was morally wrong and you liked white people too, you might never realize that you have the potential to also be attracted to black people unless you happened to fall in love with someone who had black skin. But the chances are high that, since you wouldn’t even be open to it in the first place, you’d miss opportunities to fall for someone who wasn’t white. Without first overcoming that ingrained racism and widening your mental horizons, it would be very difficult for you to ever realize your potential attraction to black people. It’s the same with people who are attracted to more than one gender identity.

4. Sometimes it takes time to realize who you are.
When I was a kid, I hated onions. I wouldn’t eat even the teeniest piece of onion because I’d convinced myself that onions were gross. Now I absolutely love them- I can’t get enough grilled onions in my food! What changed? As I got older, I tried new things and my tastes changed. Does this mean I wasn’t bisexual before? Not really. Just like with the onions, I simply didn’t realize what I had been missing out on until I actually looked into it more- then I discovered I actually liked it! I have always had the potential to love eating onions, what needed to change was my mental attitude that onions were icky.

In my next blog I will be addressing some of the common myths and misconceptions about bisexuality. I really hope that my family and friends read it so you can understand who I am and who I’m not. Please don’t make assumptions about me and my sexual orientation- take the time to find out the truth instead of relying on any stereotypes you may have been raised with.