Being vulnerable is hard. And asking for help when we’re feeling vulnerable can be even harder.
I’ve always been the one that’s there for everyone else. And sometimes I would give everything out to others, but not get much back in return. Not that we should help others for what they can do for us, but I didn’t know how ‘recharge my battery’ elsewhere. I didn’t know how to ask for help when I needed it; I only knew how to give and many of them were only able to take. And so I often burned myself out trying to solve everyone else’s problems while ignoring my own. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable.
Give until it hurts.
Ignore your own wants and needs to serve everyone else.
Always help others, but your own needs are a burden that no one wants to deal with.
Having needs makes you unlovable. (This one has been so hard for me.)
These thoughts aren’t healthy. Continual self-sacrifice is not the heroic, courageous ideal that I used to think it was. Of course we need to help each other- but if we destroy ourselves in the process, we’re not really bettering the situation because now we’re broken too. It’s like giving all of your food away to others while wasting away from hunger yourself, and then wondering why you’re too weak to hand out bread anymore.
Care for others. It’s important. But care for yourself too. It’s been said that “Your compassion is lacking if it doesn’t include yourself.” (I think Buddha said this?)
It’s still hard for me to show my weaknesses to others, or to ask for my own needs to be met. It still feels selfish, like I’m being a burden. I’m used to being strong, the one everyone can rely on, the one who always has it all together. I don’t know what to do with myself when it’s me on the other end of the tissue box, other than to write lots and lots of journal blogs to spam your feed with as I process stuff. 😛 Part of me would rather suffer in private where no one can see me, so I can pretend that I’m still super girl- ready to save the world single handedly as usual. But that’s not reality, and I’m tired of wearing so many masks to hide the imperfect human being underneath. It’s not weakness to have needs or to be vulnerable.
By the way, I’m doing fine tonight. This isn’t intended to get messages saying “are you ok?” Not that I don’t appreciate them. 🙂 I’m just musing as usual. Or rambling, that likely fits too. 😛 lol. I suppose this is what happens when you cross a talkative extrovert with a deep-thinking introvert who happens to write for a living.